What to do about the backstabber in your life
99
What is a backstabber?
According to WordWeb: A traitor; someone who betrays you behind your back.
According to Les Parrott: An angry, sneaky, slick, seductive, saboteur.
What motivates a person to backstab others?
- A need to be recognized. Just look at the queer behavior of toddlers who do not get the recognition and attention they need. They will try all techniques in the book to get that, even backstabbing their siblings. Parents rewarding backstabbing either negatively or positively actually encourage their children to acquire this technique as a habit that will make them unpopular in school and for the rest of their lives in all environments. Habits acquired and not immediately kicked during the first seven years of a child’s life get stuck in the unconscious mind, ready to be reacquired whenever needed. Backstabbing can become a habit at any age.
- A sense of powerlessness. Backstabbing may be, in the mind of the backstabber, the ONLY method to achieve his/her goal.
- Backstabbing may be an act of retaliation – the way of a vindictive person to clear his reputation, or to avoid punishment or defeat he/she may or may not deserve. This person will produce testimony in a Court of Law, proclaiming to be a spectator of a crime committed by his co-criminals. In times of war he will betray his country and fellow soldiers in order to be recognized as a human being with the right to live.
Who is the backstabber?
- A person with a low self-esteem.
- A smooth operator, twisting others round his/her little finger, in particularly those who have the power and influence to give the wanted recognition and reward.
- A self-centered, selfish person, stepping on his fellow-man on his way to the top step of success.
- The crawler, crawling up the ladder of success, using other people as steps, instead of climbing up, using his own skills and professional accomplishments as steps.
- Perhaps your best friend, your colleague, your superior, your husband/wife, your child, your neighbor, your mother/father, brother/sister, cousin.... anybody you trust who wants the recognition you have and they don’t have, or who are afraid that you might get the recognition they want.
- Les Parrot’s quote: “In all likelihood, Backstabbers are quite pleasant and supportive on the surface. But that's a mask.”
What does a person actually do while backstabbing?
- Subtlety, or not beating about the bush, he/she sows distrust in others, pretending that he/she is the only one who is able and capable to come up to expectations.
- By using any information given to him, or obtained by him, in his endeavors to turn the spotlight away from others to himself, he/she will prove others incompetent.
- Via subtle gossips and slanders, he/she damages the reputation of others.
- Hypocritically concealing his/her true feelings and emotions, others may never recognize him/her before it is too late.
- Les Parrot’s quote: “They put on a front that appears accommodating, loyal, and yes, even sacrificial. Then, without warning, they raise their knife, and by the time you see the glint of the blade, it's almost always too late.”
- Another quote of Les Parrot: “One of the favorite pastimes of Backstabbers is recounting slights and grievances they've carried for years.”
What kind of statements behind your back can you expect from the backstabber?
- Most adult backstabbers are too clever to give anyone the impression that they are gossipers and crawlers. They will humbly fake befuddlement and despondency regarding the work or actions of others: “Sorry to bother you, Sir Executive, but I really don’t know how to handle a delicate situation in our office. It seems to me that poor Victim, has some personal problems, for she/he keeps on doing this-and-that in spite of the fact that I’ve explained the policy and procedures how-many-times to him/her.” And while Sir Executive investigates the ‘wrongdoings committed’, Ms/Mr. Backstabber provides more negative information about Poor Victim, (blocking his/her ass firmly, as we would say in Afrikaans).
- Husbands and wives backstab each other when they discuss their personal disagreements with non-professional third parties, pretending that they seek advice while they actually seek recognition in the form of sympathy, praise, encouragement or love. “I truly don’t know how to approach my husband/wife, for I can do nothing right in his/her eyes....” Of course, telling this to a marriage councilor or psychiatrist may be seen in a positive light.
- Best friends stab each other in the back in order to get the recognition they need. Your husband/wife may (for all you know) easily be seduced by your best friend. “Why do you look so sad today, dear husband/wife of my best friend? By now I know you so well; I can easily sense your moods. Is there perhaps something I can do for you? I care for you, you know? You are such an extra-ordinary person; I’m actually in awe of you. You deserve a medal, for loving my best friend is not always easy, or what am I talking?”
- Teenagers may backstab their parents and teachers in order to dodge some kind of punishment or defeat. “They/he/she never told/taught me this-or-that.” Seeking recognition, they may even submit complaints and grievances that may be rooted in the truth. “My parents are getting divorced; I am too stressed to prepare myself for tests.” Or it may not be rooted in the truth: “Mister So-and-So molested me.....” Of course, the latter may be true, in which case it may not be regarded as backstabbing, but statistics of court cases proves that many teenagers in serious need of recognition hoist the flag of sexual assault.
- Kids will run to Grandma’s, crying, “Mommy spanked me!” - Innocent backstabbing in their quest for recognition in the form of sympathy and love.
- Les Parrot’s quote: “You know that you have been stabbed when you feel the deep pain of betrayal.”
How to conquer the backstabber
Les Parrott’s quote: “Storing and nurturing your pain and hurt, plotting revenge - all these punish you more than they do the backstabbers.”
- In the workplace you may request a meeting with the backstabber and the superior involved. During this meeting you should be honest, admitting your mistakes and shortcomings, and reveal your feelings regarding the issue. If the superior is wise and honorable, he will get the picture. If he is on the same level as the backstabber, using the information submitted to him to reach his own despicable goals, you may report him to his senior by following the procedures of your company regarding the airing of grievances. If he is the only superior, you may take legal action via an attorney or any institution that protects the rights of employees. Don’t descend to the level of the backstabber by discussing the issue with co-workers. For moral support confide in a trustworthy friend or a counselor. Never trust the backstabber; don’t take him/her on ‘in private’, for whatever you do or say to him/her will be ‘held against you’. But don’t treat this person with disrespect, even if he does not deserve any respect. Keep his motives in mind – he desperately needs recognition. This does not mean you have to be his ‘buddy’. Just be an example of dignity; fake forgiveness until you make it; keep on doing your work to the best of your ability and keep mind over matter and not matter over mind.
- A best friend who tries to seduce your husband/wife should be identified a.s.a.p. You may take a change and lay your cards on the table, asking him/her politely to respect your marriage. If necessary, you may even draw his/her attention to the fact that you have the Law on your side. You may take legal steps. Then save you marriage; give your husband/wife the recognition he/she needs.
- Teenagers showing the habit of backstabbing need counseling and the recognition they are seeking. Don’t let them enter adulthood with a craving for recognition and the idea that backstabbing is the way to get it.
- Kids should be firmly discouraged to use backstabbing as a means to an end. They should get the recognition (and love) they deserve from all their loved-ones.
If you are a Christian, remember Judas Iscariot, the betrayer of Jesus. (Matt. 26-27, Mark 14, Luke 22). Jesus blessed him instead of trying to prevent the coming treason. Somehow betrayers (backstabbers) managed to hang themselves, not necessarily literally, but, indeed, metaphorically.
Matthew 27:3-6 Then Judas, which had betrayed him (Jesus), when he saw that he (Jesus) was condemned, repented himself, and brought again the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying: “I have sinned in that I have betrayed the innocent blood.” And they said: “What is that to us? See thou to that.” And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself. And the chief priests took the silver pieces, and said, “It is not lawful for to put them into the treasury, because it is the price of blood.”
May you, my friend, fail to experience the severe pain caused by a backstabber!
vote upvote downshareprintflag
- Useful (27)
- Funny (1)
- Awesome (13)
- Beautiful (7)
- Interesting (5)
CommentsLoading...
Thanks habee! I'm on my way to read some of your hubs.
A very unique Hub - a "must read" for everyone. Back stabbers are everywhere and they have "nice" personalities. I personally have adopted the attitude of not giving too much personal info out about myself, what I'm doing, future plans etc.
If your words are few, they don't have anything to use.
Thanks for a very detailed Hub.
@ Lady_E – I admire ladies whose words are few; they have an aura of mystery and always SEEM TO BE on a higher level as the run of the mill. Thanks for your much appreciated visit and advice.
An accurate portrayal, my experience has been that those who backstab eventually lose their freinds and get the reputation for wrongdoing- this person realized he could not beat all of us so he had to go he had our supervisors ear but I was hired first in the office and could go direct to the boss and he knew the real truth- so
I DID NOT BACK STAB BUT I DID INFORM TOP DOWN- and that helped me stay safe
TH
@ TH – You’ve said it all. I did the same and not only safe my own sanity, but also those of many-many others. One may not allow this kind of corruption, you have to choose between the right way and the wrong way to end this, and, of course, we always choose the right way. Thanks for your visit and comment.
I totally agree with you, the backstabber must be diplomatically exposed and the problem must be discussed asap. Otherwise we can later on see a group of adults fighting like todlers. This tension is not needed in any situation, and will just cause people to become sick because of the stress.
Treat the origen and not the symptom, I say!
equealla – You’ve just draw my attention to a situation I should have mentioned in the hub. Backstabbers have the power to establish groups, and if you don’t stop them in the embrio phase, a whole institution will split in two, no three – those for her/him, those against him/her, and the fence-sitters – Oh gosh, we had years of this s*#t before we eventually got rid of the rotten fly in our soup. (Depending on the fly’s level, it can take years to remove him/her out of the system). Thanks for reading and improving this hub with your comment.
This is an excellent topic to bring forward. I don't think anyone has not experienced some kind of backstabbing done to them or by them in their lives. I know I for one have had it done to me. People tend to not like hear of success in any form. Jealousy sets in, they gossip about you at the water cooler or in small group settings.
I have always found the ones who walked tall and disclosed very little about themselves and what they have in assets and toys were generally recognized and respected by the gossipers. However the ones who chirped the loudest about their success were usually target by backstabbers.
Rule of thumb say very little about yourself and keep everyone guessing and wondering:0) Unless of course here on hub pages were we tell all:0)) peace and hugs
Excellent hub, Martie, and excellent advice about what to do. I was especially happy to see that it emphasized maintaining one's own dignity and not stooping to the same level as those who backstab or indeed, go to any kind of malicious manipulative means to try to enhance their own status at others' expense, control others unfairly, etc.
Certainly youngsters do form their self images & life habits by the age of 7, & most of the seeds of their future lives are planted by the time they're 2! Giving a child a balanced view of him/her self in relation to the rest of the world's population is vital.
A quiet self-confidence supported by good performance/attitudes goes far toward not becoming a bully/backstabber, as well as repelling those who are looking for an easy target to bully or stab in the back. Encouraging kids to have that healthy self-image & respect for others helps prevent many future heartaches.
Thanks for this excellent article, Martie. Definitely an UPper!
@ saddlerider1 – Thank you so much for visiting and leaving such a smile-provoking comment. Now you think you are telling only co-hubbers everything? Well my friend, whenever you are in a mood to be surprised, go google “saddlerider1”. Internet made the world a little town where everybody knows everything about everybody. Fortunately you use a pseudonym, while I am simply stupid, making myself a target for all backstabbers in the world.
@ Nellieanna – Ma’am you are just awesome, always improving hubs with your wisdom and life experiences. I just love you! Wish I could have a cup of tea with you. Yes, I’ve got a motto – originally a Latin one – “Eagles doesn’t catch flies.” So whenever I act, I try to make sure I don’t dive all the way down to catch a fly. Thanks for reading and improving my hub. Enjoy the rest of this wonderful Sunday!
Yes I was always aware of the very close presence of the world reading about you through the power of Google. One reason for using a pseudonym, however one who knows me can recognize me by the pictures posted. I have no fear of backstabbers at this stage of my life, let them stab away if that brings them joy:0) I have nothing to hide when I write on here...open book about my life feels rather good to let it all out. Peace and hugs
@ saddlerider – is this not the wonder of age: No more chips on the shoulder, you have accepted yourself for what you are and not are, and you don’t make the problems of others yours. Have a peaceful day!
This is an amazing overview of backstabbers that we have probably all encountered. It is so defeating. Trick is to realize one's own part in the betrayal in hindsight!
Great hub!
@ lorlie6 – Thanks for reading and leaving such an enormous fruit for thought – realizing one’s own part in the betrayal. Wow! I did not even think about this while I was writing the hub. For it is true – somehow a backstabber has to be triggered to pick up the knife, and we should pin-point what we have said and done that may have set the trigger. As representatives of God we should not lead backstabbers into temptation but deliver them from evil. Quite a tall order in view of our own struggle to reach the crest of our capabilities!
Great read. My personal approach to backstabbing is, as they say in Afrikaans, "...die wiel draai.." (the wheel turns)...
@ Tony - Yes, stadig maar seker (slowly but certain). Thanks for popping in!
I too have "wounds." they do heal. Taking the high road works for me. There have been and there will be "Back-Stabbers." Sound mitigating behaviors, and avoidance helps...
@ Dallas - I guess we should stress this on all notice boards: "Avoid/ignore the backstabbers!" Enjoy the high road!
They do not know that there is so much energy involved in talking about another, good or bad, that if they focused their energies inwards, perhaps they would learn something about themselves.
Most of them are blind to it, Martie. They do not see the harm in gossiping. They need compassion.
@ Msorensson – thank you for improving my hub with your comment, ma’am. Yes, they do need compassion, for they really don’t know what they are doing firstly to themselves and secondly to others. And even if you tell them this, they are not able to understand. So the onus of preventing them to harm themselves and others rests on those who know better.
Backstabbers are like toddlers, backstabbing is a way of temper tantrum for them. The only way is to ignore their whining. And eventually when they don't get the response they are looking for they stop.
@ jennifer miller – I like your perspective. So we need patience, forbearance and perseverance to deal with them. Again, we have to do the hard work while they stay childish, selfish and unbearable. This sounds a bit unfair, don’t you think so? But what else is Life? I’m looking forward to read your hubs.
So true, what to do about the backstabber in your life, we all have them. The most important thing is knowing who is, I feel we make excuses for people who treat us badly a lot and it's great you pointed out Who backstabbers are giving us a clear understanding and the awareness that is not okay, nothing to do with us, it's them... Rated it up and voted everything good.
@ Katiem2 – Seems if you are also one of us who first blame ourselves for the bad behavior of others, making their problem ours, lying awake at night and wonder what we did wrong and what could we do to make them happy. BUT after a few hours sleep, we see the whole picture in all its dimensions, and then we just step forward in the right direction.
the last has been my problem for way too long...it must be my fault/something I did that makes them treat me this way...I just set myself up as their target... I must banish those 3 things we were talking about earlier eh> and the wheel turn sounds like what goes around comes around to this ole hippie love to you...welcome to hubpages may you be happy here as i am
@ RNMSN – Let me repeat your wise mother’s advice right here: “Three thoughts should be banned in your mind: Fear, Doubt, Regret.” Thank you for reading and leaving such a kind comment.
I agree that most of us have had experience with a backstabber or two (even one is too many), however, what you have disclosed in this hub gives me the impression that you may have experienced intense backstabbing (even if only from one). Most of us have heard the saying, 'kill a 'backstabber' (putting it nicely) with kindness. An excellent read! Voted/rated.
@ Support Med – Yes, I had (painful) experiences on personal level once or twice when I was younger, but thanks to that I could handle the most intense backstabbing for almost 4 yrs on professional level when I was part of a team struggling for independent existence. Well, we won, and those backstabbers were indeed thoroughly killed. They are not so clever as they think they are; they trespass at least one and up to five laws without even realizing it. Now we have grown while they still slide deeper into their graves. Thanks for reading and peeping into my pool of memories. :-)
Very true and useful Hub, thank you. Backstabbing is such a low thing and yet I think we all resort to it from time to time! Not good to do. Being aware makes it easier for us to stop doing it.
Love and peace
Tony
@ tonymac – I agree: the mere awareness of this matter is already halfway to successfully handle it and even to stop using it as a method of achieving one’s goal. In our capacity as parents we are often intentionally or unintentionally backstabbers, giving our children the idea that it is an acceptable method of getting on top of thorny situations. Thanks for reading and commenting, sir. I truly appreciate your support. You know the saying: ‘One identifies big men/women in the way they treat little men/women.’ So, with due respect I think you are a giant.
Martie - Thank you for this hub. You have identified some very good points about those who "backstab" and opened up an awareness which helps in stopping toxic behavior before it starts.Rated up and awesome.
vocalcoach – Thank you for honoring me with your lovely profile picture and inspiring comments. You are one of my dearest friends in cyberspace. May backstabbers be totally absent in your future!
Another good one Martie. I'm impressed,
JY3502 – I feel honored, for it is not at all easy to impress an American and on top of that a disciplined marine. I’m sure nobody ever tried to backstab you? Enjoy the rest of this weekend.
It is a complete article..
Thanks Ravi! May it be your guard
I'm glad I took time to read a lot of hubs today. I like this take on back stabbers, we all know at least one, and it was wonderful reading. Thanks so much.
BobbiRant – I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed the read. It takes all kinds to make a world, so I guess backstabbers have their specific place in society. I wanted to compare them with some kind of animals, but I can’t think of any animal with backstabbing tendencies, except jackals and wolves in fairy tales.
This is such a good hub.
It is a sad fact that you can't trust even your closest friends with information sometimes.
I have 2 friends that go back with me at least 30 years. One I can tell anything to, I know she won't judge or pass this knowledge on. She might be harsh in what she has to say to me, but it will only come to me and no one else. And it comes with wisdom and compassion.
The other, whom I love dearly, I know I can't tell her certain things. It is sad to me, but a fact that is true. She will judge and judge harshly if she was told certain things. Venting is not an option with her, or only on a limited basis. Because the fact of the matter is if I told her something hard and she judged it harshly and talked about it to her family it would ruin our friendship forever. So instead of taking that chance I don't talk to her about important issues.
Sometimes this is hard when she knows by my attitude that something is horribly wrong and I refuse to talk.
But I would rather have the fall out over her being upset and mad that I didn't confide than confiding and her making a wrong decision in how to handle that information.
Like many of your commentators prior to mine,the best policy is to not talk about personal things. This keeps the backstabbers at bay...as there is nothing for them to use. A sad commentary on life as it is today, but nontheless, the truth.
Just A Voice – I so agree with you, and I know this situation too well. Though I had to learn the hard way to be like this – to count my words according to the depth and width of a specific person’s personality – for I was born with my heart on my arm. I trusted everybody, and I still tend to trust strangers, until they prove to me that they don’t deserve my trust. Thank you so much for your visits. I like your comments; you seem to be me in another place and situation.
Martie~
I think we are a pair. I also wear my heart on my sleeve, a lot of the times to my distress. But I can't seem to change, no matter how many times I'm burned...it's who I am.
I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. To have the ability to give someone the benefit of the doubt...shouldn't be a bad thing, but sometimes I wonder about my intelligence when I continue to do so and find myself wondering why I do afterwards.
Either we're stupid and gulliable, or we're small time saints...I'm going with saints!
Cheers:)
Just A Voice – It is so nice to know I am not the only ‘saint’ in this world! I envy those women who never say and do anything – they always look like ladies drinking tea with the queen while I do all the talking and the organizing, trying to create nice atmospheres, and by doing this I make myself an open target for critics and backstabbers. On the other hand, quite a few of them did admit somewhere along the line that they wish they were like me. However, I’ve outgrown my desire to please people and to organize social functions and to create gregarious atmospheres wherever I go. I prefer to be alone, doing only what I like. And now I’ve discovered HubPages, and see what I’m doing? With my heart on my arm! So I kind of wonder when will I get shocked by people in the cyberspace and how will I react. Thanks for the nice chat(s). I can’t remember what the topic of this hub was? Oh, backstabbers :))))))
Micky Dee – Wow! Perfect song! ‘They smile in your face... all the time they want to take your place...’ Thanks for the link!
Martie You are such a fantastic writer. You are skilled and so talented. GOD has truly Blessed you in this arena of life. You my friend touch many lives. Mine included. I think you are precious. Your love for the Lord GOD is beautiful You keep on Many Blessings Martie. Hugs Galore sista
skye2day – I love you visits today at three of my hubs plus an e-mail. I feel soooo honored! It is amazing: we are millions of miles away from each other, though spiritually with each other. Thank you, my friend, for being so supportive. I’m so glad to know that you can see my love for God in my writings, for as you have noticed by now, I don’t preach the gospel, but only His love and the way we should cope in this life in accordance with his word. I love you, sista! Take care.
I have a neibhor that does this, it more like the gossip lady, she walks her dog all the time, gets the scoop on each person then tells eveyone about these people and all their problems. She is so hard to be mad at and you want to trust her, I have learned the hard way. Great hub rate up peace & love darski
Darlene Sabella – Thank you for honoring me with a visit. I just love the comments you leave on hubs, and I’m thrilled to have you now on one of mine as well.
I will probably never completely understand backstabbers. All I really know is that they do have their motives. Your neighbor obviously desires to be regarded as more important as her real self, and unfortunately she is trying to reach her goal with the wrong activities. Where did she learn how to gossip? Somewhere – ha-ha – there was/is a rolmodel in her life... and s/he is probably dead by now. Gossiping is such an incurable, contagious illness!
Nothing you can do about it, hey? Just count your words carefully in her presence. Oh, and even when you do, she will hear a word or two she can sharpen with her own just to give you a stab in the back. They can’t help themselves. They are like that - human scorpions. Most of them are very lonesome, because nobody wants to be their friends. Thanks again for the visit. My best wishes to you.
I think we all have lot of people around us they doing backstabbing so you highlighted a great issue . i enjoyed reading this post .
Dr irum - and the worse of all, we will never get rid off them. Thanks for the read and welcome in my corner. I promise I will never stab you in the back :))))
I have been stabbed in the back with a very big long dagger and only have one word left...."KARMA"
Sandra – I believe in Karma – one will reap what one has sown. But still, a stab in the back hurts more than we are willing to admit, and I hope you will soon look back without feeling any pain. Thanks for the visit! Mooi loop, bly gesond, hou die blink kant bo!
Man I agree with you on this . They will get what they diserve.
What a great article, people are doing it more and more now-a-days and you need to see the signs coming. This article does the trip for that!
*** giftlady2 - I don't know why I have not received a notification of this comment you've made, but anyway, I've finally discovered it. You know, I am always reluctant to say/think/wish that others will get what they deserve, because my next thought will be: What have I done to deserve what they've just done to me?
Fact is we are all guilty of one or the other wrongdoing to ourselves and others, and all we can do, is to be aware of all the rights and wrongs and to try our best to avoid all the traps in this live in order to be happy and contented. Thanks so much for agreeing with me about backstabbers.
*** twilightnera - This is more or less exactly what I've just said in the comment above. We need to see AND recognise the signs. Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm looking forward to follow you.
Great article. But what if the pain is so intense i can't get over it? What it the shock was too much? What happens when you find it hard to find happiness in your work again? What if they backstabbed you just because you did a good job but never never boasted about it? What if you had previously helped them but they forgot all about it? What if they formed groups and you don't know how to survive? How do you work with them again? I still have nightmares. My head keeps on replaying staff. I am scared. I loved my job. Now i am disappointed. I feel nothing is worth an effort anymore. Please guys how do i forget about this?
Helen – I can feel your pain. You are still in a state of shock, and no-one can blame you. Back-stabbing is rank treason and so-so painful. You definitely need emotional support, either from a loyal friend or a professional councilor, or perhaps a senior at your work who can give you appropriate advice.
You are indeed in a most unpleasant working environment. If you can’t find the strength (on your own or with emotional support) to cope with the negative vibes, maybe you should merely move on. We tend to think there is no other place for us to go, but there are many and even better places for us to be. You know when a door closes behind you another one opens at the right time ahead of you. Perhaps this is how Life/God forces us to move on to the next phase meant for us. But if you decide to stay, just know everything passes. Like storms - it just doesn’t last forever.
Also try to focus on more pleasant thoughts, instead of on your bad memories. You can, for instance, watch a couple of movies, or read a few fascinating books, or, as you’ve done here, read as much as you need about the topic and then move on to a more pleasant topic.
Helen, you’ve got ALL my sympathy. You are really in a horrible situation. But nobody is going to lift you out of it except you yourself. So don’t make this a matter of self-torturing. Take action. Do something positive and constructive. Only you know what it should be. I wish you the best of luck. Feel free to email me via the ‘contact MartieCoetser’ on my profile page.
Martie thank you so much for taking the time to write to me all that great advice. I really thank you!What worries me is that it's been a few months and i am still struggling. Sure i am better than before-the fist few weeks i couldn't sleep-but it still hurts so. And what shocks me is this-how can a person do that to another person? That i don't get. It's true that they look nice and helpful on the outside. It's true that they try to make you look incompetent. It's true that they will say things that are not true. You know what? They will even watch you for little mistakes you make then use them to attack you. In my case they went to the boss and even threatened me to go higher than that. Don't know if they did. You are right about trying to do positive and constructive staff and to think about more pleasant staff. It kind of keeps coming back in my brain but i will fight it more. I can't change my job though. Sorry for writing so much but only the thought that someone has heard me and advised me, someone i don't even know gives me comfort and strength. Thanks a lot Martie, God bless you! Only one last thing-how exactly to behave around people like this? I try to act normal like nothing has happened although i inside i feel that i was treated so unfairly.
Dear Helen, my heart goes out to you and I wish I was able to remove those proverbially thorns in your flesh. I’m posting 3 links here to hubs that may help you to understand your enemy better. Once you’ve identify the reason of his/her actions, you will find it easier to control your own reactions.
In the meantime, lift your chin and pretend you are not at all offended – so used to work in an unpleasant environment that you actually feel at home. I have a motto: “Eagles don’t catch flies.” You are an eagle, they are flies. Focus on your work – be the best you can be and even better.
Why not do an online course relevant to your work – or hobby – to keep your mind busy – feed yourself, grow, become bigger than they. Knowledge (about anything) gives you power.
Here is the links to the relevant hubs -
http://martiecoetser.hubpages.com/hub/Rudeness-a-d
Martie, thanks again for taking the time to write to me! You are right, you are so right. Knowledge is power. Knowledge about work but also knowledge about life and people. It's sad that in school and college they never teach us that kind of staff. They don't give us the skills to cope with certain situations. it takes painful lessons so that we open our eyes to understand others and ourselves. And yes we should learn staff and grow. You reminded me of a motto i read years ago-we should grow and serve! I will make sure to read the links that you sent me. Thank for all your help. Thank you with all my heart! God bless you!
Yes, they should at least teach 'Human Behavior' in school. Take care. Aim for the moon. If you miss it you will at least be among the stars :)))God bless you too, Helen.
Thank you Martie...Thanks a million!!!!
This is a very informative and useful hub Martie. Up, useful, awesome, and interesting. Lord knows they are enough of then in the world. You really mentioned some defined qualities about what they are, how they act, and their purposes.
thelyricwriter – and the bad news are – as long as the planet accommodates humans, back-stabbers will exists. Back-stabbing is a normal human tendency that has to be properly treated with antitoxin during the first five years of a person’s life and thereafter as a case of emergency whenever symptoms occur. Thanks for your visit. I'm looking forward to read more of you.
Brrr. A sudden blast from the cold world outside my cosy structure. Well described symptoms. Reminds me of a unique insight I got once on another vice.
Stop wondering if a so-called "friend" may be back-stabbing you. If 90% of what he/she talks about to you is critical of "others" and purely negative in nature....you can be certain you are included in that lot when they speak to "others." This isn't rocket science. The person who speaks poorly of her family members and friends behind their backs, yet smiles sweetly & dotes on them in person.....does nothing different where YOU are concerned. Keep this in mind. Thanks, Martie...this is a winner!
fpherj48 – I agree with you. Beware of those who speak negatively of others. That is how they reveal themselves as backstabbers. Thanks for the visit!
akune – I really don’t know how I’ve missed this comment of yours. Sorry for this belated reply. I believe the more we read about an issue, the better we will be able to cope with it whenever necessary.
wow ! true true true
nice post :D
Thank you, ohmonsterzzz :)
There are a couple different back-stabbers I've encountered: the disturbed, desperate for attention and affection at any cost, and goal oriented con-artists.
The first kind are probably some sort of N/BPD/bipolar disorders; they have stunted emotional growth as adults and seem to be incapable of stopping themselves or keeping their stories straight.
The second are more likely to exploit workplaces and organizations; most of the time they CAN control themselves, except when they really really want something.
Obviously there is some overlap; both groups share a lack of self esteem and/or confidence in their own abilities. If they put a fraction of the effort into building themselves up as they put into tearing people down, they wouldn't feel the need to backstab anyone!
The comment by saddlerider1 is interesting:
"However the ones who chirped the loudest about their success were usually target by backstabbers."
I've been the target of both 'types' of backstabber, but the first kind(impulsive, adult child) in my experience is actually repelled by assertive behavior. Lay the law down and they slither away to find easier prey.
But the second kind fit this symptom to a T; it's as if they're draw like a moth to the flame. And when confronted they get WORSE, no matter how much evidence is documented. The only thing that stops them in their tracks is an authority figure(cop, lawyer, judge, webhost, etc) telling them "NO". But here's the baffling bit..THEY CONTINUE TO DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
There must be something they process from people "chirping loud about success" differently from the rest of us. People brag sure, but some people are just expressive extroverts. Where the rest of us say, "Okay Hos, yay you, now chill already!", the backstabber feels 'Hos' success is a personal threat or something? And they feel entitled to undermine that success?
For whatever reason I know a higher percentage of extroverts who were a target of these manipulations.
Anyway, great article with good insights.
liquidsapphire - thank you so much for enhancing this hub of mine with your profound knowledge and insight. I cannot add anything, but only agree wholeheartedly with you.
You may also find my hub about con-artists interesting. I'm going to get you the link.
Thanks again for your terrific comment. Significant input like yours is always much appreciated.
Great writing and advice! My foreman at work seems to fit this discription to a tee, but its so hard to be sure. Your suggestion about meeting the backstabber together with the boss sounds like the right thing to do.
wba108 ~ There should be an official procedure considering grievances - We can really not allow backstabbers to corrupt human relations at work where we spend most of the hours in a day. We've got to keep them in check.
Thanks for coming over for the read :)
We can defend ourselves from those who attack us from front, but saving us from backstabber is very height. Your analysis is very interesting.
Amazing!!! I met a few of those!! You do have a wonderful way of explaining mischievous behavior for those that might be a bit clueless about it.
I thank you my South African Ambassador!
I also thank Vinaya for sharing this excellent hub!
UP! Excellent! Wonderful!
Vinaya, we can say nothing good about backstabbers. I try to understand them and their motives, I try to give them the attention and acknowledgement they need, I don't put any knives in their hands and I never turn my back on them. What more can one do? Thank you so much for your visit and comment.
Sunshine, my computer was down for 2 days, so my inadequate cell phone was my only channel of communication. I'm on my way to Facebook now to thank Vinaya for his generosity.
Thank you Vinaya!
Sunshine, I take your compliment to heart. Many people don't even realize they are backstabbers. They stand on their human right to be 'honest' reporters of the 'truth' ~ their interpretation of the truth is unfortunately blurred by their hunger for attention and recognition.
Take care, Sunshine, and thank you for the visit and comment :)
Good advice Martie. I've seen 'the back stabber' in action, and it ain't pretty. Regards, snakeslane
Definitely not pretty, Snakeslane. Especially not when she/he is your best friend. Take care :)
habee Level 7 Commenter 22 months ago
Good take on backstabbing. I rated it up!